Music industry insiders have called on the Government to use the powers of the Digital Economy Act to crack down on Pete Waterman’s Eurovision Song Contest entries.
Following the UK’s humiliation at last night’s Contest, in which Waterman’s That Sounds Good To Me finished last, some in the music industry have decided that enough is enough.
“The public doesn’t realise the damage that Pete Waterman is doing,” one insider said. “They think that indulging in a little Pete Waterman now and then is ok but we’re in danger of becoming a laughing stock in Europe.”
“It’s time for the Government to implement a three strikes system,” the insider added. “Waterman needs to get a letter warning him that if he persists in writing Eurovision songs then he will have something cut off.”
One middle-aged woman who was leaving a pub draped in the Union Flag agreed: “Waterman’s song was awful. The only way the Europeans could have hated us more is if we’d got Bono to sing it. Thank goodness he’s got a bad back or we wouldn’t even have got 10 points.”
However, another music industry insider defended Waterman: “He’s been writing songs for a long time now. Based on the law of averages alone, we thought he would write a good one eventually.”
Industry officials are said to have been locked in all-night talks in an attempt to ensure that Britain is more competitive next year. One plan is to have Simon Cowell choose the winning song. However, there are fears that Cowell’s effect could be limited without a three month long advert for his song on prime time ITV.
“Cowell’s idea of great music is a fusion of Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey circa 1989,” said my source. “The furthest he got on his own was Sinitta. Without ITV and some manipulative soap opera tricks, he’s got nothing.”
The current favourite plan is to make Lily Allen do it. “It’s in her contract,” said the insider. “Every British artist has a clause in their contract that says we can make them do Eurovision if we want. They never check the small print.”
[Author's note: None of the above is true. Well, except for the facts that Pete Waterman did write Britain's Eurovision entry and it did terribly. The rest is made up.]
Possibly related posts:
- Which Way Round? – A Spotify playlist
- Simon Cowell’s pop expertise summed up
- My favourite albums of the decade, 1-25
- My favourite albums of the decade, 76-100
The Next Post: 26 Books 2010: May
The Previous Post: Another long rant about competitiveness in the Premier League (with numbers!)
Comments Down Here
// Please share your thoughts.
You can follow any responses to this entry via its RSS comments feed.